TLMM #017: ‘Twas The Night Before… ‘Die Hard’?!

Read time: 4 mins

In this week’s issue, I want to talk about how to…

No, no I don’t… After all, “It’s Christmas Theo!” – Hans Gruber (Die Hard) 

So with that in mind…

I decided to recite you the traditional ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas with a bit of a twist…

Written by Bruce Butler

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the heart of the city,

a group of terrorists were planning something real sh*tty!

 

They had plenty of guns with lots of ammunition,

and soon enough their plan would come to fruition.

 

The Nakatomi employees were having a party so grand,

with the spirit of Christmas in their hearts and drinks in their hands.

 

They all talked and they laughed like they were old friends,

little did they know that their fun would soon come to an end.

 

John McClane had come to visit his wife who he had not seen in a while,

and when he got to the airport he was greeted by a limo driver named Argyle.

 

Now Argyle was as friendly as he could be,

so they made conversation and listened to Run DMC.

 

But when Mr. McClane arrived to see his wife Holly,

it turned out that their relationship wasn’t quite that jolly.

 

So they argued and argued and argued some more,

until one of Holly’s co-workers burst through the door.

 

But they didn’t know that downstairs something evil took place,

the goons walked in and shot the desk clerk in the face.

 

They crowded the elevator and headed to their objective,

640 million the 30th floor is where they kept it.

 

When out of the lobby there arose such a clatter,

John took his gun to see what was the matter.

 

Led by Hans the goons began shooting and yelling,

Hans wanted the vault codes but Mr. Takagi wasn’t telling.

 

John hid upstairs and tried to call for help,

but all of his efforts were to no avail.

 

He then realized that he was completely alone,

and he’d have to take on these a**holes all on his own.

 

Hans, Tony, Karl, and Marco… James, Alexander, Fritz, and Theo!

 

And John told himself they all will fall,

I’ll kill them, I’ll kill them, I will kill them all!

 

So while most of the bad guys were downstairs with their victims,

John fought Tony upstairs; he punched and he kicked him.

 

After the fight he decided to have some holiday fun,

so he sent a message to Hans “ho-ho-ho now I have a machine gun!”

 

Now John again attempted to call for help,

and got in touch with none other than Carl Winslow himself.

 

Soon the whole cavalry was out on the scene,

but unfortunately they could not do a thing.

 

So John got to work, back to his mission,

and soon found himself in a terrible condition.

 

But even with a gunshot wound and glass in his feet,

he was still determined that he would not be beat.

 

At last John killed all the goons and came face to face with Hans Gruber,

and with only two rounds left he had to be an accurate shooter.

 

Hans had John’s wife Holly held captive,

but John had such an old so clever tactic.

 

With a gun behind his back John distracted Hans with a jest,

and then he pulled the gun and shot him right in the chest.

 

As Hans fell from the window he felt his butthole pucker,

and John McClane exclaimed “Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherf**ker!”

 

With all the terrorists dead and John and Holly reunited,

it now appeared that all of the wrongs had been righted.

 

So John and Holly headed off to enjoy some holiday bliss,

and this tragic night ended with a kiss.

 

I hope you enjoyed that…

And remember if you haven’t done so yet…

Watch the greatest Christmas movie of all-time!

DIE HARD!